The Gift (Not Starring Katie Holmes' Tits)
February 25, 2010 at 06:31 pm
“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is way great spiritual giants are produced.”
-Swami Vivekananda
We all have many different goals in life, but most of us have one in common: To try and take as much happiness from this world as we can. These days it seems tougher to do, so we have to learn to appreciate what small gifts we receive each day.
Like when your girlfriend finally caves in and gives you anal.
Indeed, even a gopher hits oil every once in a while (Whatever the fuck that means) and not all of us are prepared for that moment. While it's always a possibility to write up a binding contract that forces your significant other to give you a two minute warning before the act takes place, it's not exactly the easiest way to go about this. As my grandfather used to say, “Anything that involves buttsex and lawyers is just a recipe for trouble.” Granted, he said this at my sisters wedding as a toast, but that doesn't make it any less true.
So what do when given this holiest of holy gifts from above? Well that's what we're here for, ladies and gentlemen. The boys at the Eluid Labs (Which consists of two guys sitting around in stained underwear coming up with clever euphemisms for the vagina; their latest effort: “the hobbit hole of Stankonia”) have come up with the following list to help guide you through this new and exciting voyage. Feel free to take the list and keep a copy next to your bed for easy access (Or above your bed, or tattooed on your mother's back, or where ever is handy).
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PROPER ETIQUETTE FOR DOING IT IN THE BUTT
Step #1: Don't freak out. Yes, this is really happening. You can call your friends later. Listen up.
Step #2: Act like it's not a big deal. Seem pleasantly surprised at the notion, as if you haven't been thinking about it every hour of every day since the two of you started dating/working together/caught eyes at an Incest Survivors Anonymous meeting.
Step #3: Set the mood. Now this will vary depending on your lover's personality. We've found that the most romantic time to have anal sex is during an insurrection of angry farmers who have overthrown the government and declared sodomy not only legal worldwide, but mandatory. At least for thirty seconds. This happens more often than people realize.
Step #4: Remember that, as excited as you are to be doing this, the whole experience is about the other person. Are they comfortable? Would they like a pillow? Is it too big? Why are you laughing? Quit laughing at me cunt or I'll stab you with a fucking fondue fork. How do you feel about that? That's right! You know who's in control! A- err... ahem... I digress.
Step #4a: Proper lubrication is highly important. I don't care how romantic you thought it was when Heath Ledger hocked a loogie in his palm and then proceeded to give Jake Gyllenhall what we all know Jake Gyllenhall has secretly wanted on the inside, pardon the pun, both in the movie and... well... in life. Fact of the matter is... that was just a movie. If you tried to enter somebody's anti-Jesus place with nothing but a handful of spit and maybe a cheery tune about a moppet chimney sweep named Nigel, Nigel, The Dirtiest Boy in the Dirtiest Hole, good luck. But if you really care about the person you're about to violate in probably the most heinous way imaginable, then be sure to use some decent lube. Also, cooking oil is not a lube. All it does is make your cock look like David Hasselhoff.
Step #5: Don't rush it. That anus isn't going anywhere (This is especially true if you lock the doors). Take your time. Explore it. Spleunkers don't just run balls-out into a cave and hope for the best. They take their time, get to know the lay of the land. They also familarize themselves with any potential dangers. In the case of anal sex, I'm speaking of booty gremlins. They're little gremlins that live inside of the booty. And if you stick your dick in there unprotected, the booty gremlins will chomp on it and then you'll like gay porn forever. This also happens more than people realize.
Step #6: If during anal sex you are overcome with the sudden urge to hum your favorite theme song... go with it. This is completely natural and wholly appropriate. In fact, the only times humming during anal sex are inappropriate are either if you are tone deaf or in the middle of a funeral.
Step #7: Upon climax, be polite and ask where your lover would like you to deposit said climax. Remember, they have just given you the greatest gift known to man since the invention of jalapeno flavored flush-able wet naps. It is your job, nay, your duty to honor their wishes no matter how crazy they may be. If they tell you they want it in Cleveland and you live in West Virginia, then you better hop into a car, drive as fast as possible, and get there in time to bust a nut all over Jacobs Field, ya hear me?! Unless they want you to cum on one of their pets, which is just fucking sick and wrong (And, yes, a little sexy, but I digress again) and you should get the hell out of there immediately.
And there you have it. With this guide in your mind, and your heart, you can never go wrong when performing anal sex. Unless you get AIDS from it. Then you're kinda fucked. Unless you're rich, in which case, you're cool. (Editors note: lookin at you Magic Johnson! *thumbs up*)
Happy Easter, motherfuckers!
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Happy New Year Resolutions
January 07, 2010 at 10:26 pm
It's a new year. And while the majority of the Eluid staff managed to stay out of prison, we can't rightly say we acted like angels either. So we'd like to take a moment and make a list of things we need to change about ourselves and the site. Without further ado, we proudly present:
Eluid's Resolutions for 2010
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Yes, we know. Site updates are more rare than level-headed discussion about feminist politics on this site. And there's very good reason for this: We're fucking busy, okay? We have lives outside of this website... well... most of us do... besides... all this meth isn't gonna cook itself.
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Even we know when enough is enough, and it's high-time we take a break from poking fun at our stubby-legged, bug-eyed brethren (And sistren). You heard it here first, folks! 2010 is the year for making fun of crippled Hispanics!
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- More Naked, Slutty Celebs Pics/Fun Celebrity Deaths
God pulled a major year-end coup by pwning Brittany Murphy's face. That's not to say we hated Brittany Murphy, but to be frank... If we saw one more shot of her looking wild-eyed and vacant into the camera lens while a Peter Gabriel song was playing, we might have had to rip her heart out ourselves. Oh, also... The Lohan is slowly coming unglued. It's only a matter of time before she does a photo shoot for Esquire that involves her stuffing as many NFL linebackers into her frightened, abused asshole before it finally becomes the cold, vacuous black hole that it was always destined to become and sucks humanity inward, collapsing it out of existence. But you know... tastefully done.
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You may be asking yourself what charity work Eluid could possibly even consider, but trust me... keeping smurf away from Elementary School Carnival Kissing Booths and The Gap is practically the “AIDS cure” of charities. Except for that charity where they're actually trying to cure AIDS. That one's closer.
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Merry Seasons, Bitches!
December 22, 2009 at 07:53 pm
The New Economics of Dating: Part 1
November 08, 2009 at 02:52 am
The New Economics of Dating
Part 1: Why Leave to
Love?
The following is a plea for sanity. In todays tough economic times it seems wholly irrational to expect somebody to spend what's left of their dwindling bank accounts in the sole pursuit of knocking one boot against the other. The days of Little Johnny and Sue going out to the malt shop for a five cent soda and two hours of play on the jukebox for a quarter are over. These days you're lucky to get a stick of gum for thirty cents, and that's if you're fortunate enough to not get raped and/or mugged (In that order) on your way to gas station.
Yes, it's a world full of broke, deranged people out there and it seems these days your safest bet is to just stay at home. You may say, “But Steve, how are we supposed to woo the opposite sex in our apartment/home? Shall we show them our mint collection of Garbage Pail Kids cards?” Well first of all, you should never start a sentence with “but.” That's just poor grammar. Secondly, the only time you should flash your collection of bubblegum cards to a girl is if you find out she has a deadly strain of hepatitis and you're trying to get her out of your place as fast as humanly possible without giving her even an inkling of fucking you. If that was too many words for you, then let me summarize: NO!
In a time full of financially insecure people, the thought of spending anywhere from twenty to two hundred dollars in the pursuit of finding a romantic partner, if only for one night, is ridiculous. Of course, if sex is your only end-goal, you'd be better off just visiting one of the legalized brothels located around our fair country. To the rest of us, dating is a chance to connect to somebody on a deeper emotional level. Fucking is just the icing on that particularly tasty cake.
So let's think of this objectively: Our goal is to get to know the other person, so how do we go forward with this plan? By going to movies where we aren't able to talk? By going out to restaurants to shovel food in our mouths? To me, these all seem like ridiculous ideas. You would think that if you really wanted to talk to the person, then you wouldn't occupy your mouth so much. That's why I suggest we all stay at home instead. Not only does it give you a chance to sit in a controlled environment and talk to the person but, to me, nothing is more romantic than a night on my comfy mattress, listening to Dan Fogelberg records, and shooting heroin into each other's necks. But then again, I am kind of a romantic at heart.
There are literally hundreds of reasons not to go out on expensive, noisy dates: Traffic, food poisoning, rude people ruining the mood, typhoid fever... All of these things can be so easily avoided by just having a nice, quiet evening at home. Getting a stranger to be comfortable enough to agree to spend time out of public view with you is another matter altogether. I find a combination of old world charm and Rohypnol helps.
If only it were so easy, right? Eventually you'll get hungry and that variety pack of Hot Pockets isn't exactly charming the pants off of your prospective mate. What's a poor, upright member of society supposed to do then? You can't very well wine and dine your date on dollar hamburgers and Big Gulps (But if you meet somebody who can, don't let them go; they're a keeper). In our next installment we will examine some tips to help the common miser pull off a romantic dinner date without breaking the bank. Or as I like to call it:
Part 2: What If the
Bitch Wants Dessert?
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R.I.P. P SWIZZLE
September 14, 2009 at 09:38 pm
Ashley Greene nude pictures
August 11, 2009 at 01:41 pm
I love when an actress takes pictures when they're younger that they regret when they get older. Usually it's one of those "I'll get naked if you promise to get me famous" last ditch attempts. 99% of the time, the person won't get famous.. but when they do, those nude pictures seem to pop up awfully quick. That's what happened to Ashley Greene (of Twilight fame.)
Click the picture for more, including one showing her shaved vaginer.
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This is for you bitch
August 01, 2009 at 03:54 am
Everyone has a girl in their life that they still tolerate but they wouldn't mind embarrassing the fuck out of. It's an ex-girlfriend for some people, or a friend's current girlfriend that just so happens to be a bitch.
Well some German fellows have invented
the perfect prank. They've invented a bikini. It looks, feels, smells, and probably tastes just like a real bikini. The only difference is that it dissolves after a few minutes of being in the water. You're left with a dripping wet, naked, pissed-off, embarrassed girl.
Actually, maybe I'm just being too vengeful. Now that I think about it, perfection would be to give this gift to a girl that you just flat-out want to see naked. Good luck getting laid after the prank though; can't say I didn't warn you.
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Obama nude on unicorns
July 29, 2009 at 12:54 pm
I love
this guy and his collection of nude president Obama paintings with unicorns.
ESPECIALLY when they include Dr. House.
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