Happy New Year Resolutions
January 07, 2010 at 10:26 pm
It's a new year. And while the majority of the Eluid staff managed to stay out of prison, we can't rightly say we acted like angels either. So we'd like to take a moment and make a list of things we need to change about ourselves and the site. Without further ado, we proudly present:
Eluid's Resolutions for 2010
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Yes, we know. Site updates are more rare than level-headed discussion about feminist politics on this site. And there's very good reason for this: We're fucking busy, okay? We have lives outside of this website... well... most of us do... besides... all this meth isn't gonna cook itself.
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Even we know when enough is enough, and it's high-time we take a break from poking fun at our stubby-legged, bug-eyed brethren (And sistren). You heard it here first, folks! 2010 is the year for making fun of crippled Hispanics!
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- More Naked, Slutty Celebs Pics/Fun Celebrity Deaths
God pulled a major year-end coup by pwning Brittany Murphy's face. That's not to say we hated Brittany Murphy, but to be frank... If we saw one more shot of her looking wild-eyed and vacant into the camera lens while a Peter Gabriel song was playing, we might have had to rip her heart out ourselves. Oh, also... The Lohan is slowly coming unglued. It's only a matter of time before she does a photo shoot for Esquire that involves her stuffing as many NFL linebackers into her frightened, abused asshole before it finally becomes the cold, vacuous black hole that it was always destined to become and sucks humanity inward, collapsing it out of existence. But you know... tastefully done.
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You may be asking yourself what charity work Eluid could possibly even consider, but trust me... keeping smurf away from Elementary School Carnival Kissing Booths and The Gap is practically the “AIDS cure” of charities. Except for that charity where they're actually trying to cure AIDS. That one's closer.
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Merry Seasons, Bitches!
December 22, 2009 at 07:53 pm
The New Economics of Dating: Part 1
November 08, 2009 at 02:52 am
The New Economics of Dating
Part 1: Why Leave to
Love?
The following is a plea for sanity. In todays tough economic times it seems wholly irrational to expect somebody to spend what's left of their dwindling bank accounts in the sole pursuit of knocking one boot against the other. The days of Little Johnny and Sue going out to the malt shop for a five cent soda and two hours of play on the jukebox for a quarter are over. These days you're lucky to get a stick of gum for thirty cents, and that's if you're fortunate enough to not get raped and/or mugged (In that order) on your way to gas station.
Yes, it's a world full of broke, deranged people out there and it seems these days your safest bet is to just stay at home. You may say, “But Steve, how are we supposed to woo the opposite sex in our apartment/home? Shall we show them our mint collection of Garbage Pail Kids cards?” Well first of all, you should never start a sentence with “but.” That's just poor grammar. Secondly, the only time you should flash your collection of bubblegum cards to a girl is if you find out she has a deadly strain of hepatitis and you're trying to get her out of your place as fast as humanly possible without giving her even an inkling of fucking you. If that was too many words for you, then let me summarize: NO!
In a time full of financially insecure people, the thought of spending anywhere from twenty to two hundred dollars in the pursuit of finding a romantic partner, if only for one night, is ridiculous. Of course, if sex is your only end-goal, you'd be better off just visiting one of the legalized brothels located around our fair country. To the rest of us, dating is a chance to connect to somebody on a deeper emotional level. Fucking is just the icing on that particularly tasty cake.
So let's think of this objectively: Our goal is to get to know the other person, so how do we go forward with this plan? By going to movies where we aren't able to talk? By going out to restaurants to shovel food in our mouths? To me, these all seem like ridiculous ideas. You would think that if you really wanted to talk to the person, then you wouldn't occupy your mouth so much. That's why I suggest we all stay at home instead. Not only does it give you a chance to sit in a controlled environment and talk to the person but, to me, nothing is more romantic than a night on my comfy mattress, listening to Dan Fogelberg records, and shooting heroin into each other's necks. But then again, I am kind of a romantic at heart.
There are literally hundreds of reasons not to go out on expensive, noisy dates: Traffic, food poisoning, rude people ruining the mood, typhoid fever... All of these things can be so easily avoided by just having a nice, quiet evening at home. Getting a stranger to be comfortable enough to agree to spend time out of public view with you is another matter altogether. I find a combination of old world charm and Rohypnol helps.
If only it were so easy, right? Eventually you'll get hungry and that variety pack of Hot Pockets isn't exactly charming the pants off of your prospective mate. What's a poor, upright member of society supposed to do then? You can't very well wine and dine your date on dollar hamburgers and Big Gulps (But if you meet somebody who can, don't let them go; they're a keeper). In our next installment we will examine some tips to help the common miser pull off a romantic dinner date without breaking the bank. Or as I like to call it:
Part 2: What If the
Bitch Wants Dessert?
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R.I.P. P SWIZZLE
September 14, 2009 at 09:38 pm
Ashley Greene nude pictures
August 11, 2009 at 01:41 pm
I love when an actress takes pictures when they're younger that they regret when they get older. Usually it's one of those "I'll get naked if you promise to get me famous" last ditch attempts. 99% of the time, the person won't get famous.. but when they do, those nude pictures seem to pop up awfully quick. That's what happened to Ashley Greene (of Twilight fame.)
Click the picture for more, including one showing her shaved vaginer.
3 comments
This is for you bitch
August 01, 2009 at 03:54 am
Everyone has a girl in their life that they still tolerate but they wouldn't mind embarrassing the fuck out of. It's an ex-girlfriend for some people, or a friend's current girlfriend that just so happens to be a bitch.
Well some German fellows have invented
the perfect prank. They've invented a bikini. It looks, feels, smells, and probably tastes just like a real bikini. The only difference is that it dissolves after a few minutes of being in the water. You're left with a dripping wet, naked, pissed-off, embarrassed girl.
Actually, maybe I'm just being too vengeful. Now that I think about it, perfection would be to give this gift to a girl that you just flat-out want to see naked. Good luck getting laid after the prank though; can't say I didn't warn you.
1 comment
Obama nude on unicorns
July 29, 2009 at 12:54 pm
I love
this guy and his collection of nude president Obama paintings with unicorns.
ESPECIALLY when they include Dr. House.
2 comments
Michael Jackson = Dead
June 27, 2009 at 03:19 pm
So on Thursday afternoon, Farrah Fawcett passed away. As Farrah approached the heavenly gates, God decided to grant her one wish for being such a philanthropist and lover of life while she was on Earth.
God said, "Farrah my child, what would you like?"
Farrah thoughtfully pondered the question and replied, "I want all the children on Earth to be safe."In case you haven't heard,
Michael Jackson is dead. If you didn't know this, then the joke probably wasn't so funny. But what IS funny? Fred Durst's twitter tribute to MJ:
El terrible.
Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a Xbox 360? Nothing. They both come in black and white and both can be turned on by children.
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